It's a damn cold night...

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
いつか失ってしまうのかな。薄れてゆく笑顔と君を守りたい。
-- D-technolife

If fate is a wheel, then we are the sand that is crushed between the cogs.

Don't judge a life by one difficult season.

独自并不代表孤单,在一群人中狂笑着有时更寂寞。
-- 吴庆康

At times it may not even seem rational, but the heart has a computing ability that is far more accurate and far more precise than anything within the limits of rational thought.
-- Deepak Chopra
于是我让孤独更孤独,有一种不是悲伤的悲伤,才是刻骨铭心的悲伤。
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
-- St Francis.
People's actions are influenced by their expectations. People respond not just to what is happening now, but to what they anticipate will happen in the future.
-- Sloman
不管你会不会忘了我,我只想告诉你一个秘密。
--《不能说的·秘密》

Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind.
-- Deepak Chopra

The furthest distance in the world is not between life and death but when I stand in front of you yet you don't know that I love you.
-- Tagore
Do do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of its own. There is no need to add to the troubles each day brings.
-- Matt 6:34

まだ不器用に笑うね まだ悲しみが似合うから
キミに降る痛みを 拭ってあげたい すべて I for you
-- I For You

the optimistic pessimist

supposedly an adult, she thinks like an adult (too much, if you ask me). deep inside, she is nothing but a little girl, with her little lofty dreams and ideals. and oops, she is breaking them, one by one.
more often than not, she is just an angsty emo kid.

she is only but
a passer-by,

an onlooker,
a walking shadow.

and this girl can't stop writing.

she stalks

|| cyn bea bao zou mel ||
|| joan weepz ||
|| blockc yeanching lehia kexi zhenlin horace alvin dina sandra becca tzehee ||
|| cruzteng peifen dasmondkoh ||
|| xiaozhu xiaogui sunxiezhi ashin kangyong ||
|| derrick jinglun stefsun natho lawrencewong ||
|| feliciachin joannepeh jeanetteaw sharonaw ||
|| xiaohan hyr chimkang mingde dannyyeo ||
|| xuyunling alvinology mrbrown esther ||
|| drbondar psychdigest ||
|| kfdrawing iwrotethisforyou thingsweforget ||

After all, what is in the past but what we choose to remember? They can choose not to hide it, to take what's broken, to feel the pain and know that it will heal. They know where happiness lies, not in a cave or a country, but in love and the freedom to give and take what has been there all along.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

she watches on

Others desire to experience the blessedness of giving, but we often frustrate them by refusing their help.


“你有心事吗?”
“或许有一天,我会告诉你吧。”
--《不能说的·秘密》

she holds on

 Memories were also a way of looking in a mirror, but it was a jagged mirror of broken glass, one that cast imperfect reflections. Like shards, these memories drew blood.

February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 January 2012 February 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 July 2014 August 2014 September 2014 October 2014 November 2014 December 2014 January 2015 February 2015 March 2015 April 2015 May 2015 July 2015 September 2015 October 2015 November 2015 December 2015 January 2016 February 2016 March 2016 April 2016 May 2016 June 2016 August 2016 September 2016 October 2016 November 2016 December 2016 January 2017 February 2017 April 2017 May 2017 August 2017 September 2017 October 2017 November 2017 December 2017 January 2018 February 2018 April 2018 June 2018 July 2018 September 2018 October 2018 November 2018 December 2018 February 2019 April 2019 June 2019 August 2019 October 2019 December 2019 January 2020 February 2020 March 2020 April 2020 May 2020 July 2020 November 2020 February 2021 April 2021 July 2021 September 2021 November 2021 March 2022

she never gets

永远不会交的功课 || 永远不会实现的愿望

|| you ||

Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself... Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.
-- Deepak Chopra

she thanks

Designer : Wei Jun
Brushes : Deviantart - Spy Glass

I don't know, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm a pair of eyes and ears, and I'm just trying to stay safe and make sense of what's happening. I know what to avoid, what to worry about.I'm like those kids who live with gunfire going off around them. I don't want pain. I don't want to die. I don't want to see other people around me die. But I don't have anything left inside me to figure out where I fit in or what I want. If I want anything, it's to know what's possible to want.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

Monday, July 31, 2006
withers away @ 10:42 pm

had class outing on sat.. wouldnt say we had fun but it was nice to catch up on everyone's lives.. we are so gossipy really.. gossip non stop loh.. haha..
checked in today.. just cleaned up my room.. lucky my room was considered clean already.. if not i'll have a hard time man.. its still v empty really.. doesnt seem like a room at all.. i'll carry more stuff there tml hehe..

It's something Mystical

Saturday, July 29, 2006
withers away @ 1:08 am

others desire to experience the blessedness of giving, but we often frustrate them by refusing their help.

It's something Mystical

Thursday, July 27, 2006
withers away @ 11:04 pm

driving lesson 22 ytd: met bao! haha its so coincidental that our instructors booked the same circuit time slot.. so we waved to each other while driving.. pretty cool huh..
went out with bea to watch pirates.. its super funny.. the ending really wasn't an ending.. but i would say i enjoyed the movie.. haha..
was reminded of this v old song called shui shou during kbox on tues thanks to zj.. yeah old but.. truth holds thru the years..
ta shuo feng yu zhong
zhe dian tong suan shen me
ca gan lei bu yao pa
zhi shao wo men hai you meng
ta shuo feng yu zhong
zhe dian tong suan shen me
ca gan lei bu yao wen
wei shen me

It's something Mystical

Tuesday, July 25, 2006
withers away @ 11:29 pm

driving lesson 20 last wed: first time in circuit.. everything's new to me.. slide down the slope the first time i went up.. had so much to learn in such a short time.. it wasn't easy..
went out with cyn and bea later.. just went around town.. i bought rings and loads of hair accessories.. dunno wad i was doing man.. haha..
thurs was induction prog for scholars.. so i met up with my watchmates again:) everyone looked different coz we were in our formal wear.. it was nice just talking with them again.. saw the photos zx took which he uploaded on his laptop.. saw huiru and sheena too.. and also sixiu and becca.. all diff grps of ppl who came for the same thing.. interesting..
we had various talks.. some were boring.. as expected.. but there was one that left all of us inspired.. the principal of northlight school that will be opened in jan next year.. we didnt think much of her at first sight, but she's a great speaker.. thru the many stories and experiences she shared, u could see her passion coming thru, and the willingness to help her students, and at the same time being fully human and not appearing to be a saint.. her gift for us was a rubber star key chain, hoping that we are Special and Talented, with Aspiration and Resilience. role model man.. the star will serve as my reminder..
driving lesson 21 on fri.. circuit for 2nd time.. going with my guts half the time.. like when to start steering and how much to steer.. i cant emphasize more that my steering sux..
den i went back to sch and met up with my colleagues.. had a v nice and satisfying lunch at an indonesian restaurant in lucky plaza with cheng yeen and damai.. cheng yeen treated us again:) went over to kbox at cine to join the other ppl.. went a little crazy haha.. den later we went for dinner at galilee's.. jyoji joined us and we played uno stacko.. our screamings attracted the attn of everyone.. so malu man.. after that jyoji was so nice to drive all 5 of us home! and we all live on diff parts of the island..
sat went to my hall for the first time.. met up with el and bea to eat and shop around first.. mum was asking why we met up.. seriously i couldnt give a reason.. want to meet den meet loh.. do we need a reason to meet up? :D:D feel so comfortable with u ppl..
i got lost in nus.. so i was late.. but nvm its ok.. seniors are nice.. i cant say the prog was fantastic.. but at least i got to know some ppl.. or at least their faces.. helped out in rag for a while after that too.. but its nice to feel that i can be a part of them.. a family kinda feeling is starting to form..
just when i was getting pretty excited abt the obs outing today, lw called at 12.30am to say that its postponed.. was pretty disappointed really.. sorta bore a hope that we would have it again.. hehe my prayer worked.. zi rui called this morning to say kbox is still on! haha.. not alot of ppl.. but we had lots of fun..
and like a fool who will never see the truth, i keep thinking something's gonna change

It's something Mystical

Monday, July 24, 2006
withers away @ 6:12 pm

time to continue on my obs trip.. (this is really detailed coz i wanna rmbr the many interesting things that happened.. its my obs diary in a sense) lucky we didn't have to wake up so early on day 3, since we only slept at 1+am.. we had nice hot milo and fried bread thanks to zx who bothered to set up a fire.. den we had to plan our route for the land ex, since each checkpoint had different no. of credits and the credits are required for us to buy stuff later for a mission.. LJ taught us how to use his walkie talkie in case he collapsed.. he said we had to carry him if he fainted halfway or smth.. naturally we thought he was only joking.. we didn't find many checkpoints.. went bashing into the forests quite often.. halfway thru the sole of my right shoe was falling off so we stopped by for lunch and for me to change into my wet activity shoes.. so paiseh lah.. it rained twice so LJ decided not to let us trek up the mountain, which is one of the checkpoints.. he just needed us to tell him where we were on the map and how to get to the checkpoint and we'll get our points.. we did some activities to gain more points too.. was pretty amazed at how fast we got together to find the best way to complete them..
at one point when we were reaching our destination, LJ suddenly ran ahead of us.. when we reached camp 1 gate, we realised he locked us out.. i thought we were supposed to climb the gate haha.. turned out we had to play a game which tested our mo qi(wad u call this in eng??). we were to close our eyes and each of us has to take turns to shout out a no. from 1-20 in order. no 2 ppl can say the same no. at the same time and everyone has to say at least one no., if not start over again. we were not allowed time to come up with any strategy.. heard this conv over LJ's walkie talkie:
LJ: we're stuck at camp 1 gate now
(i dunno who): why? u can't open the lock?
LJ: i can always open the lock, its them.. *laughs*
but guess wad, we actually completed the game in less than 5 min.. LJ was surprised.. we rock man.. :D
we didnt have much time to clean up, and had to go for another activity-the tunnel. while LJ went to make some preparations, we entertained ourselves singing jay's songs, national day songs.. almost anything that came to our minds.. when LJ came back, he gave us blindfolds and we were led in a single file into the forest.. one by one we were led by LJ somewhere.. we couldnt take the silence, so we ended up singing again.. when it was my turn, i was actually trying not to be too scared.. it was some sorta fear of the unknown.. coz its like.. LJ didnt even call my name, he just came, i heard his footsteps and he took me away.. when i was in the tunnel i was told to take off my blindfold and find my way around.. we had to find an exit with a white light (LJ's headlamp).. i took a wrong turn and backtrekked to the entrance.. so had to go again.. banged everywhere really coz couldnt see anything much.. esp i wasn't with specs.. no hard objects in the tunnel.. (i suspect this is where i got all my blue-black) i'm glad for my helmet.. i was talking to myself all the time; wonder if anyone heard.. haha.. but found my way eventually.. though there were "fake lights" along the way which turned out to be ventilation holes>< i think this was the first thing we had to do solo.. hmm.. not that it was fun, but its meaningful:)
we finally had time to wash up and wash everything that we carried with us.. it felt good to have nice clean hair.. after dinner we still had some time before having to meet in the multi purpose hall.. so guess wad.. we went to the beach and sang songs again! kept singing and singing non stop.. guys did a great job harmonizing too.. it was so relaxing, with the breeze around us..
when it was time, we went to the MPH for our mission: to build a catapult that would propel an egg the furthest without breaking it.. materials would be bought using the credits we earned at the checkpoints.. LJ wasn't around when all the other instructors were.. then we heard from another instructor that he's down and ill.. later LJ still came, but he couldn't even stand properly.. den he asked if any of us vomitted or had diarrhoea.. apparently he had food poisoning.. so he wasn't joking when he said he might collapse.. think he wasn't feeling good in the beginning of the day liao.. he disappeared after awhile, and we were left to do the catapult and design a coat of arms.. the job of designing was obviously left to zi rui, adm student.. we all thought we had the whole night to do both, and suddenly the instructor said "10min left". nearly died man.. the catapult was sorta settled, though towards the v last few min we started to go mad, esp zj.. i also can't rmbr wad we were laughing abt.. we were told to leave evthg in the MPH, but zi rui brought back the markers and cloth.. some girls stayed up to help out.. we wanted to finish it fast, coz we weren't supposed to bring it back yah.. and instructors do come to check if we really sleep after lights out.. 1st night LJ came at 12+, so we wanted to finish it by 12.. faced many probs, mainly coz we didnt have enough ink for our markers, not enough colours too.. coz we didnt bring back the whole box.. zx came over and zi rui just joked to him to ask him to steal it back frm the MPH.. he really went to get it.. he borrowed a black marker for us too.. rox lah haha.. we needed big black patches for the background, and v clever zi rui thought of using trashbag.. borrowed from buddy watch.. we didnt have glue, nor staple.. clever zi rui again used her plaster as scotch tape! v creative loh..
we managed to finish it at abt 12+.. actually the night before we had a pact with zj for him to tell us his story.. but by then we could only hear snoring frm the guys' rm.. didnt get to play anymore, nor listen to anymore stories.. disappointed yes, but dun blame them.. we're all tired..
day 4: last min catapult test and stuff.. we managed to get the 3rd prize haha.. even though we didnt even use camping sticks.. only used hula hoop, bungee cord, pvc pipes, straws, cotton twine etc.. later we had time to our own watch, shared our take-aways, had a part of the same twine.. listened to a song LJ shared on his laptop, which he said the instructors liked (he was completely fine already by then.. could run around and stuff.. can't even catch up with him).. but we weren't done! had one last activity.. for our watch it was the chasm.. the simplest compared to the rest.. its climbing somewhere up there and taking one big step across the empty space between 2 planks, eyes shut.. if u dun think abt the height, its easy.. after everyone's done, we had some time to ourselves again.. pei xian used the leftover straws to make a basket for LJ.. i made 2 stars.. she also made the letters L and J using the straws, attached my 2 stars to them and then attached the letters to the basket.. when we were seated in a circle, we were passing the basket around to zx, who was seated beside LJ, so he could put it behind him.. it was v obvious lah actually.. but he appreciated it.. so its good:) he asked us to write our names on the basket too.. we compiled a contact list and he helped us make photocopies.. we're actually meeting up tml for kbox.. i dunno how many ppl will turn up, but at least its an effort.. for this grp of ppl who didnt know anyone, but still helped one another out with everything from the very beginning.. we came from v different places, different backgrounds, guys being older than girls, overseas and local scholars alike.. its a special bond we shared.. and all of us know that.. we didnt have a chance to know each and everyone v well, but its a v memorable experience.. we had a paper passed around to write abt a good and bad pt of each person.. so i have my own paper with me now.. nostalgic lah.. that's the word..

tock seng's charter:
1. if u feel pressure, let it go. (came from zx, while we played a game called helium loop on the 1st day.. all of us formed a circle and used one finger to support a hula hoop at chest level.. with all our fingers in contact with the hoop at all times, we had to bring the hoop down to the floor.. damn tiring though it looked easy at first.. this line frm zx became a chant which helped us succeed after.. 1/2hr? LJ said we were the first watch he's seen who dared to do this with our eyes closed.. and he's been in obs for 5 yrs.. cool huh?)
2. play your heart out, but not literally (for safety sake)
3. 2 heads are better than 1, but 14 heads are best. (sounds weird grammatically, but we didnt bother)

It's something Mystical

Thursday, July 20, 2006
withers away @ 11:23 pm

i know i've disappeared for v long.. its time for a long update as well.. i've been busy man..
the eldds musical is finally over on the 8th.. my gosh.. we worked hard for it man..was involved in it almost everyday last wk after sch.. meet-up with soundmen, full-dress rehearsal, staying back after rehearsals to pack all the props and costumes, liasing with the dancers and their teacher.. there was so much running around between the hall, backstage, dance studio, staff room.. we had so much to do within a wk.. hoho.. but we pulled thru..
driving lesson 18 on the 5th: it was right after full dress rehearsal.. i was worn out by then.. coz of world cup.. but parallel parking is not too big a prob now..
8th was the funfair itself.. no time to eat, no time to take photos.. i screwed up once during the 1st concert.. but the 2nd one was fine.. alot went on backstage; damai and i were so nervous before the show.. but we did it.. cheng yeen shed tears of joy and hugged us.. took grp photo too.. so happy:)
after that i rushed home, changed into a red top and headed for the national stadium with mum for the ndp full dress rehearsal.. we had free tix coz my niece's involved in it.. it was a pretty good show.. no funpacks though.. no high end fireworks.. but at least now my mum understands the atmosphere that can be felt there..
during driving lesson 19 last mon: saw a sign by the roadside which said "serious accident".. uncle says its a learner's car.. i wouldn't be surprised if i get involved in one haha..
during the whole of last wk, which is my last wk at work, we were taking photos everyday.. took funny photos too.. like the one of wai leong haha.. he's cute.. blur kinda cute.. like sum.. haha..
had dinner out on my last 3 days with colleagues.. played floorball and badminton.. it was time of relaxation and nice talk.. lame jokes and laughs too on the last day.. we really didnt dare say we are teachers.. haha.. got presents frm them too.. my colleagues made my teaching days memorable and bearable.. kudos!
the v next day i went for obs.. it was kinda mixed feelings, esp when u dunno the ppl there.. at least when we went there in sec 3, we have already seen the same ppl in sch for 2 yrs+, even if we didnt know their names, u knew their faces.. but its like we've only seen the scholars once.. (u can skip the rest if u dun wanna read abt obs.. its long.. )
day 1: we didnt really know each other.. couldnt rmbr names.. coz only one has christian name.. rox.. there were 3 pei____ (inclu myself) and ppl were getting confused.. we were going to do the inverse tower when it started to rain.. so we did some indoor games.. which made us sweat as much.. we did our vertical challenge much later in the multi purpose hall.. it didnt look that difficult.. but it was.. we went in pairs, and for obvious reasons, a guy paired up with a gal.. i know if i didnt step on zhanjiang's shoulder i would never have got up there.. so apologetic to him coz his white shirt was soiled by my foot.. plus, i didnt step on it only once.. oops.. but zirui and weilin were good man.. they were the only gal-gal pair (we have 6 guys, 8 gals).. but they made it up there.. but of coz they were damn tired after that.. esp zirui who hoisted herself up by arm strength.. she's good..
day 2: sea ex.. still had probs with names.. but getting better.. this time we were in kayaks in pairs and were going to do cross-island, not like the last time when all of us in one watch went into an avon.. i was the gal-gal pair this time with lingwei.. nearly died.. i was at the back doing steer rudder almost all the time coz we were always thrown off course to the right.. steering requires strength and breaks the momentum.. that's why we were struggling.. when we stopped at an island for lunch, we decided to change partners if not we'll die.. tze hee was nice and its so so much easier to kayak with a guy.. i'm in front this time so he does the steering.. and we needed a lot of that when we went into a mangrove swamp during high tide.. river was meandering and we were aginast the river flow.. low lying branches everywhere.. even got caught in a fishing line also.. we also had to keep close and wait for everyone.. worst thing was we had to get off the kayak at one pt, carry it over a road and metal railing and put it back into the water on the other side.. the guys were doing the job again.. stayed there for pretty long and could do nothing.. needed alot of encouragement later too.. at one pt i was just kayaking with my eyes closed, trusting tze hee to do all the steering.. super tired.. had to haul everything up a slope to our campsite too.. backpacks.. backpacks of some guys of other watches were damn heavy.. zirui and i cant even hold it up properly.. let alone pass it in a human chain.. in the end coz we were late, we didnt get to go for the quarry dip.. so we had no water to clean ourselves with.. rox.. guys in our watch are so nice.. they built our shelters, cooked the food, basically anything and everything.. they were also the ones who sorted out the rations and got evthg from the store.. well i was absolutely filthy, but i was happy to change into nice clean and dry clothes and shoes.. had a powder bath.. good enough.. dinner was good.. plus extra can food frm zhixian too haha.. this guy's our official photographer man.. can take photos even on the kayak.. LJ (our instructor) showed us the diff star signs with his powerful torch.. when we were supposed to go to sleep, a grp of us just laid our extra groundsheet out and sat there to talk.. played a game called ouch orbi orbi which involved hitting the ppl next to u.. super shiok haha.. coz liangwei, zhanjiang, zirui and peijia were hitting each other.. the rest of us were just sitting there laughing and joining in the fun without having to feel the pain.. we were sabo-ing each other so it was v fun.. played a little of truth or truth (since doing dares in the middle of the night on an island might prove to be dangerous).. den it was left to lw, zj, zr, pj, wl and i.. we lay down on the groundsheet and talked.. ppl shared their more private stuff.. it was really nice.. slept at 1+ though lights out was 11.. hehe.. by this time i knew that i enjoyed this obs better than my last, and i know there are more to come..
will continue abt obs another day.. its late.. haha..

It's something Mystical

Monday, July 10, 2006
withers away @ 8:57 am

i wish i didn't do that much wrong in the past. karma comes in torrents and drowns u..
jia zhuang duo hao
wo xiang yao
zhi xiang yao zai yong you yi miao
qu xiang xin ni de yong bao
yi zhi hui rang wo yi kao
ji xu deng dai
xin gan qing yuan bu xiang tao

jia zhuang duo hao
yi ran shi
yi ran shi ai mei de tong diao
yi ge ren wu li qu nao
liang ren shi jie de jian ao
wo bei zi ji kun zai
zi ji she xia de quan tao
jia zhuang by jolin

It's something Mystical

Sunday, July 02, 2006
withers away @ 3:32 pm

england was disappointing.
england without beckham. england without owen. england without rooney. when it got to this stage, i knew they were quite dead already.. beckham's despair was clearly shown on his face.. it wasnt an easy match but they did have their chances. but wasted them as well.. esp the corner lampard missed.. he was completely unmarked yet he missed the goal.. wad the..
it wasn't great news for england when it got to the penalty shoot-out.. commenter said they never won in a penalty shoot-out in the world cup.. well well.. i could distinctively hear shouts from outside the window with each penalty kick missed..
england lost ultimately, and it wasn't a surprise.. but wad i heard on the radio early in the morning was. brazil lost to france! oh gosh.. i half-hate myself for not being able to wake up to watch the match to see wad went wrong.. well well..

It's something Mystical